Kids, Before the Age of TV There Was a Funny Thing Called Radio

BUD ABBOTT:  "I say Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know’s on third."

ABBOTT: "Yes."
COSTELLO: "And you don't know the fellows' names?"
ABBOTT: " Well, I should."
COSTELLO: "Well, then, who's on first?"
ABBOTT: "Yes."
COSTELLO: "I mean the fellow's name."
ABBOTT: "Who."
COSTELLO: "The guy on first."
ABBOTT: "Who."
COSTELLO: "The first baseman."
ABBOTT: "Who."
COSTELLO: "The first baseman."
ABBOTT: "Who."
ABBOTT: "Who is on first!"
COSTELLO: "I'm asking you who's on first."
ABBOTT: "That's the man's name."
COSTELLO: "That's who's name?"
ABBOTT: "Yes."
COSTELLO: "Well, go ahead and tell me."
ABBOTT: “That’s it.”
COSTELLO: “That’s who?”
ABBOTT: “Yes.”

ALLEN: "Allen and Benny."
SECRETARY: "I thought you said it was Benny and Allen."
ALLEN: " Well, at two o'clock, our billing changes."
SECRETARY: "Well, what kind of an act do you do?"
BENNY: "Violin, clarinet and snappy patter."
SECRETARY: "And where have you played?'
BENNY: "Oh, all over."
SECRETARY: " Well, where?"
ALLEN: "Well, just -- just tell her the important dates, Jack."
SECRETARY: "Yeah, go ahead."
BENNY: "Well, we did a week in Sow Belly, Wyoming. A week in Loose Tooth, Arizona. Three days in Stagnant Water, New Mexico. And we also played the Palace here in New York."
SECRETARY: "Sow Belly, Loose Tooth, Stagnant Water and the Palace! Well, at least you worked your way up."
ALLEN: "No, we played the Palace first."

ALLEN: "That's right, Mister Rockford. Remember? You booked our act seven years ago."
ROCKFORD: "Oh yes, what business are you in now?"
ALLEN: "Well, we are still in show business."
BENNY: "Yes, and we thought you could book us."
ROCKFORD: "Please, fellows."
ALLEN: "Our new act is sensational. At least give us a chance, Mister Rockford."
BENNY: " Yes, all we need is one good break, you know."
ROCKFORD: "I gave you a break when I put you in Loew's Flatbush."
ALLEN: "Some break. They opened it with Fink's Mules, and Major Doughty's dogs came out, then Manny's Monkeys, then Powers' Dancing Elephants."
ROCKFORD: "So what?"
ALLEN: "By the time we came out, we looked like the last two passengers on Noah's Ark."

ROCKFORD: "Oh, all right, if you insist."
BENNY: "Ready? Ready with your clarinet, Fred?"
ALLEN: "Ready."
BENNY: "Okay. One, two. Atta boy, Fred. Oh, Mister Allen …"
ALLEN: "What is it, Mister Benny?"
BENNY: "Oh, Mister Allen, have you heard that they're making women's bathing suits out of spun glass?"
ALLEN: "Women's bathing suits out of glass? Well, that is worth looking into."
BENNY: "I'll take it, Mister Allen."
ALLEN: "If you will. [Benny plays the violin.] Uhhhhh. You know, Mister Benny, I …"
BENNY: " Yes, Mister Allen? Oh, pardon me."
ALLEN: "I love music."
BENNY: "So do I.  Music once saved my uncle's life."
ALLEN: "How did music save your uncle's life?"
BENNY: "They played the Star Spangled Banner just as he was sitting in the electric chair. Take it, Mister Allen."
ALLEN: "[Music] I'm interpolating."
BENNY: "You don't have to finish it, you know."
ALLEN: "Oh, Mister Benny."
BENNY: "Yes, Mister Allen?"
ALLEN: "I want you to meet my new girl. Her name is Well Enough."
BENNY: "Why do you call your girl Well Enough?"
ALLEN: "Because I want the boys to leave Well Enough alone. How about the finale, mister ...?"
BENNY: "In unison? [Music] Well, Mister Rockford, what did you think of us?"
ALLEN: "Wait until he gets his head out of the drawer."